chuck norris facts:
chuck norris' tears cure cancer. too bad he has never cried.
chuck norris does not sleep. he waits.
chuck norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. chuck norris goes killing.
chuck norris counted to infinity. twice.
chuck norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalled martial arts ability. shortly after the transaction was finalized, chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. the devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. they now play poker every second wedensday of the month.
when the boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for chuck norris.
if you can see chuck norris, he can see you. if you can't see chuck norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
chuck norris is currently sueing nbc, claiming law and order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
chuck norris has already been to mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
the chief export of chuck norris is pain.
chuck norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the jfk assassination. as oswald shot, chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. jfk's head exploded out of shear amazement.
when chuck norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. chuck norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
chuck norris sleeps with a night light. not because chuck norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of chuck norris.
chuck norris could have any woman he wants, but he has never had sex. he only masturbates because the only person good enough to have sex with chuck norris is chuck norris.
as a teen chuck norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of tuscany. nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 miami dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
chuck norris is not hung like a horse. horses are hung like chuck norris.
a blind man once stepped on chuck norris' shoe. chuck replied, "don't you know who i am? i'm chuck norris!" the mere mention of his name cured this man of blindness. sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by chuck norris.
if chuck norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
to prove that it isn't a big deal to beat cancer, chuck norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different types of cancer only to rid them of his body by flexing for 30 minutes. beat that, lance armstrong.
they once made a chuck norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
president bush did have a sure-fire plan to end the war in iraq, however, chuck norris was busy that day.
chuck norris doesn't have to stop bullets because they know better.
chuck norris can touch mc hammer.
chuck norris doesn't read books. he stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
someone once tried to tell chuck norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. this has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
at birth, chuck norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. nobody delivers chuck norris but chuck norris.
chuck norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
chuck norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.
superman owns a pair of chuck norris pajamas.
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